This is me behind the scenes in my business, this is my monthly photo shoot that I now do with my photographer @ https://katien.co
Just a few years back you would never see me in front of a camera, and if there were photos, I would spend at least 5 minutes pointing out all the flaws, the imperfections and how hideous I felt and looked, and most of them would be deleted.
Now fast forward a few years; not only am I in front of a professional photographer each month, but I am briming with self-confidence, I’m happy to post away on social media, do weekly lives, host masterclasses… and am now about to start public speaking on the stage….. I’ve literally done a 180 degree turn in how I used to show up in my life in just a few short years.
The shadow of my past life shrouded me in feelings of inadequacy, not being good enough, thoughts of “I should be doing better”, who wants to love someone like me, and seeking love in all the wrong places, coupled with immense self-doubt, shyness, self-loathing, a negative mindset is how I was living my life, there was little wonder I was so unconsciously unhappy.
I was always striving for the next promotion or next career move, looking for more money, a better car, I would get all I wished for but would still feel inadequate, not quite good enough. I would find colleagues who had a better car than me, and I would get frustrated as that means they must be better than me, or the boss likes them better than me, I was always seeking that external validation of “I need acceptance” “ I need to be liked” “I need to be told I am good at what I do” , but in the corporate world this form of recognition didn’t really happen.
My personal relationships existed hiding behind alcohol, going out and keeping busy, it felt good to keep active, and not to sit still for too long to think.
The relationships I had never satisfied me, hence the mask went further on; always seeking someone to complete me, trying to fill an empty void, new jobs, new relationships, more binge drinking, it was a void that was impossible to fill.
Whilst I believed I was running to find something better, trying to find fulfilment, trying to feel worthy, looking to others to feel better; I never found it, I just kept seeking and going round in the same condemning circle for years.
It wasn’t until one day after working with a coach, I realised one common theme in my life – one thing that remained consistent, amongst the job, relationships, friends and life changes. The one things that was always there and I took with me at every turn .. was ME!
I was trying to run away from me! and run towards things that I thought would make me happier, and this was the reason I could not find the happiness, the fulfilment, the sense of being worthy with attaining new jobs, more money, the better relationship, because I was taking me with me…. And it was me that was the source of the problem.
A hard pill to swallow when all your life you have been blaming others, blaming your outside world for your discontentment. I had been expecting other people to make me happy, to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel worthy; when all along I wasn’t even accepting this of myself, I was always looking to the external environment to change before I could feel better, whereas I now understand it’s actually an inside job.
It all starts with you! because how you feel on the inside is what’s reflected back to you from the outside. Inside of me all my life I was screaming, I was sad, I was hurt, I was angry, I used my mask to protect me from how I was feeling, because that’s what we are conditioned to do. I did what 99% of other people do, put on the mask, the hospitality smile, and bumbled through life half asleep just trying to be happy, trying to fit in with the crowd.
Sadly, this is the case for a lot of people out there, especially women, they know something is missing, they have negative emotions, they are always seeking something else, because surely when they get that “thing”, they will then feel better? Happier? Addicted to what success looks like, because when we feel successful, we will feel compete… but in reality, its an endless search.
The search for me is well and truly over, but it only over from me needing to hit rock bottom first to realise things needed to change, I needed to change with the understanding that change didn’t come from the outside world, it didn’t come from me trying to change people or things I aspired to have, because none of this brought me happiness or fulfilment….
I needed to drop the mask, and start listening to the red flags that were being given to me, my emotions, the empty feeling inside, the past I had not fully delt with, but just ran from, it was time to stop running, open the flood gates and let what I had buried for years all unconsciously come forth to be addressed.
As a coach now see clearly that our emotions and feelings are actually trying to help us. They are there to bring something to our attention that needs to be dealt with and not buried; because, until we look under the surface to see what is keeping us bound to a life we don’t really want, or understand why we are always seeking something else before we can become happy, then we will always be a seeker and we will always wear the mask and we will always be looking for something outside to make us feel fulfilled and complete.
This is why I help other women to take off their mask and reveal their true self, to stop running from themselves, but instead step into their authentic selves, so that they can emerge from their cocoon that has been keeping them confined to a life of existing. Stepping onto a life path which is lined with love, fun, joy, passion, empowerment, confidence and fulfilment – and NO it’s never too late.
